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Motherhood: Just a Mom is Enough

Sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I say "I'm sorry for being your mom" for no apparent reason other than a wave of guilt just swept over me when a disdainful memory hit me in the chest and I feel like crying over a touching Petronas commercial or a Kdrama.

Being mom is a tough job and I don't think I did enough to let my parents know I NOW know what it feels like.

Being a single mom also means that I am fairly attached to my kids and they'll forever be my babies. I know it's unhealthy attachment but spare me that for now.

I want them under my wing all the time and yet, when they encounter a seemingly insurmountable problem, I want them to get the hell out from under my angel wings and let me fly.

And then...cue...wave of guilt and an out-of-the-blue apology.

I see the mess in the kitchen, the pile of cups, the crumbs on the floor, the never-to-be-worn-again clothing in a corner of the room, the boxes I never unpacked, the stained sofa, the broken doorknob, the dusty TV shelf, the sprinkling of cornflakes on the dining table (and so many more) and I feel like I am the world's most awfulest mom.

It's not a word but I don't really care at the moment.

As things change in this family, I am no longer as cocksure as I was before.

All of us are going everywhere, needing different things, and some stuff around here are 'no longer enough' and I don't know what to do to get it to go right again.

That's why this article resonated with me.
Do you know that I struggle with a part of me that wants to look like I have it together  all the time?  It’s the part of me that will apologize for the mess in the living room when someone drops by unexpectedly. It’s the part that forgets about the beauty of the  mess – the playing with my kids or the crafts made or the simple real fact that when you’re home you’re home looks like you’re living in it – and instead decides to apologize for being real. Do you have that? This need to try to keep one million and fifty-two plates spinning in the air constantly that leaves you simply out of breath? - Rachel Marie Martin, Finding Joy
It reminds me that, and my kids have told me pretty much the same thing, they don't need the perfect mom. I am just mom and that's enough.

A mom who loves, forgives, gets mad, nags, tries to get things to go right, fail, cry, watch dramas all day, does her work to put bread on the table, cry, hides in the room with a bottle of strong vodka during weekends, gets the laundry done, pays the bills, worry when they're coughing, give them emergency numbers, nail all emergency numbers into their heads, hugs them and tell them things are going to be OK although it's not....these are things that they need from mom.

Motherhood is a job that requires a heckuva lot out of a human. And we've all been crazy at one point or another, so, there isn't a point in paying heed to those moments of guilt. Everyone has them no matter how great their Instagram or Facebook feed is.

I am in a rush to now to get something printed for my son's project that he just told me about on a Sunday because he needs to hand it out on a Monday. You know...everyday, this is kind of raw. So, if you find grammatical mistakes, please look the other way.

Because today, I am going to focus on giving myself a quick pat on the back for coming this far without throwing myself into oncoming traffic or off a building.

Believe it not, on other days, I would rather not publish the above picture on the internet but today is not like other days. Today, I want to focus on loving these two humans AND myself.



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