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Writing and Blogging, Anyway

I have been writing and blogging for ages, much like the writer from Zen Habits who wrote something about this and I completely agree with him when he said that even for experienced bloggers/writers, you can never escape the fear of being judged.

Worse still, the fear of being caught writing lame stuff for a perceived learned audience.

It is a fact that I no longer enjoy the kind of readership that I used to enjoy. But it is all out there, the (lame) and (good) stuff that I have ever written since the dawn of the internet. A large number of blog posts I wrote were wiped out when Wordpress took out my earlier blog for being a little 'politically incorrect' but it is a fact that once you get yourself out there, you are subjected to fear, judgement, and rejection.

But isn’t this what life is all about anyway?

Writing in public, especially about your own personal thoughts, opinions and life is scary as hell. It is pretty much like public speaking. And there are very few of us who can confidently declare public speaking as our forte. This is just an assumption but correct me if I am wrong - many people would rather air their dirty linen in private as opposed to posting it on the IN-TER-NET. Gasp.

It’s a pity too, sometimes, because some of favorite bloggers have stopped blogging altogether, saying that they have run out of ideas. Other reasons includes ‘nothing more to say’, ‘it’s all so lame’, ‘I am scared’and ‘I don’t have the time anymore’.

I have quite a list of blogger sites bookmarked as my favorites and I continue to anticipate their revivals and comebacks. Still waiting. Hope I don’t have to wait till I am 90. Not sure if I can wait that long.

As mentioned, I have been writing since forever. This shouldn’t be a problem for me. But do you know the number of times I tried to convince myself to run really fast into a wall after those ‘early works of art’? After reading them, I would hide in the toilet and the internet for at least 10 minutes. LOL.

The fact is this....I have grown. I was young then. And the internet of those yesteryears was so different from what it is now. But I continue to write.

What is really different is that back then, I wrote for an audience and fellow bloggers. Now, I write for no one in particular. Or just one person. An imaginary person sitting right in front of me, like I was chatting with him/her/it over a cup of coffee.

Let me share something with you that threw me off my feet and got me into a panic attack.

It took me 12 minutes to write a heart-felt message in the blog post and it was called ‘Dear China’ after the disappearance of flight MH370 and I expected it to be just like my any other ‘I write for no one in particular’ posts, which sometimes get 13 views, sometimes 100, others 500.

Dear China’ post was read over 30,000 times a day and shared over social media sites over a week. My profile page views suddenly had hundreds of views a day.

It is no biggie for most people who enjoy 30,000 views every few seconds but for me, it felt like a noose around my neck.

OK, here’s how it looks on this side of the computer screen. Me, hunched over my laptop, hyperventilating, refreshing the stats, hyperventilate, had an emergency meeting with my manager (my sons) and asked them if I should delete the post. I swear, the numbers were up every time I refreshed the stats update.

It was shit just took over moment. All those ‘I write for no one in particular’ moments suddenly took a sharp turn towards the South East.

The reason for this fear is that it was still a sensitive topic at that time. Feelings and emotions were still raw. One friend warmly took my side and said ‘This should teach you when not to write about current issues’. *GeeThanks, LOL. The only thing that stopped me from deleting the post was the fact that most of the feedback I got were positive ones and I thank those people who shared their positive feedback with me so that I didn't feel so scared for voicing out.

Petrified, I did question my decision to write such an impromptu thing and I think it made me think a little more about the stuff I share out there. Especially when it is something sensitive.

Did I entertain thoughts of ‘maybe I should stop blogging if this thing hits the fan’? Absolutely. For those with stronger hearts, I have a weak one. Please forgive me.

But the decision was made....that once all that sharing stopped, I will just resume my ‘I write for no one in particular’ posts. By then, they will realize what a boring person I really am and stop reading. Then....I am FRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE again. Hahaha

You see, writing transforms and touches people. Instead of taking the feedback and sudden attention in a negative light, I think my stance became like ‘yeah, I wrote that. Let’s listen to what problems you have with what I had just said and I might change my point of view’. That is the only way to NOT stop writing. In fact, this way, I get to write, people get to (if they at all) read and it is a win-win situation if I decide not to take it personally.

If there is anything I am good at, it is being stubborn. My weakness happens to be....also my stubbornness......unfortunately. And I am stubborn about wanting to write. Some call it persistence, I think. LOL

Anyway, Friday’s approaching again and I heard that there is going to be some kind of Foodgasm thing going on in a nearby park. I am going to starve till then. I mean....they better give me Foodgasm for my effort.

Have fun and be healthy,
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