Skip to main content

That Crazy Mother

Note: Read in Jest, please. For those who have not been through it, this post might scare you a little. It's not my intention but it's just that....the reality of it....stark and dark and painful. However, for those who have been through it, then you'll be chortling. Motherhood. Giving birth and facing the biggest challenge(s) in your comes in a small package, is loud and demanding, and worst of all....they don't come with instructions! It's not fair because women are so good with instructions and all that...and this, this....this THING does not come with a 300-page manual. I lodged a complaint with my maker but they chucked it out. First your body is contorted to accommodate a living being for nine whole months. Not nine hours, but nine whole months you're lugging this bowling ball in your stomach. The bowling ball loves swimming, crashing into your ribs, poking your kidney and rolling around doing gymnastics, by the way. As the months wear on, it could feel a lot like three or four bowling balls. How do you, I mean....really, expect us to walk, talk, shit, be happy, be human, smile, grin and dance, eat, pee, communicate like mere mortals when we're in that state for such a long time? It's ridiculous! And you can't even walk like a human being because something threatens to explode out of 'there' when you walk so you're reduced to a penguin. And others complain that we whine and cry and that we're being unreasonable and all that! It's like looking death in your face but then it never comes and claim you. He keeps staring at you with that awful grin. And then when the nine months is over, a truck runs over your stomach, time and time again, wrecking every muscle possible within that region. Each wave shreds your muscles into pieces...bones stretched to their limits and you wish it could all be over and you can't possible be desirable after this. But that's not the main concern - you don't even know if you're going to be alive after the whole ordeal. If you're alive, you'd probably wish you were dead. If you make it out of there alive and if ever....EVER your husband or partner dare make suggestive moves towards you in the future, you're inclined to chop the d*ck off like it was an anaconda, you swear screaming! You're never gonna make love ever....EVER! EVER! EEEVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!! Again. Fine. Some people are smarter - they go for the epidural thing. The worst is over, right? way. Faaaaarr from it, darwling. Yes, the first time you meet your new baby, the overwhelming feeling of love may make you feel like the sex was worth it after all. Those little Those little Sniff, sniff. Then it screams bloody murder in your face like you just tried to remove its eyes from its sockets in a language that you don't friggin' understand!!! Speak English, baby, English. Or Hokkien or Cantonese or Mandarin! Or try my Korean....I've watched enough KBS to understand a little bit! I'll drop you if you speak Bahasa to me. But no. The baby speaks in in WAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! continously. Miriam Stoppard can go to hell because it doesn't prepare you for the panic and anxiety! You try to change the baby and you try not to break the lil' fella. Does the baby appreciate the changing? Nope. If it's a boy, he'd probably pee in your face! I happens....happened to me all the time. I tasted urine and I smile about it. That's motherhood for you - stupid job, isn't it? :-) Who in his or her right mind can smile when you have to taste urine? Idiots. You spend the next few weeks learning about this creature that popped out of your deflated tummy (which you abhor every single waking moment) in your husband/partner's clothes. It's not flattering but who needs to be flattered at a time like this, right? You have your baby and everything! So, you give everything up! It's fine if you don't eat. It's fine if you don't drink. It's fine if you don't sleep. It's fine if you don't get the chance to go toilet. It's fine if you don't wash your hair. It's fine when there's a week's worth of grime on your face. Everything's fine until it's not fine. Post-Partum Depression is so strong and feared because mommies (who are built with an insanely stupid mechanism that makes us sacrifice everything in the name of love) kill their babies because of PPD. You become sick of yourself, the wailing, the sleeplessness, the food, the house (you've been stuck there for weeks) and you've probably forgotten how to speak English because you've learned how to speak WAHlinese. When your friends call you, you tell them that your breasts are exploding. They think you've migrated to another planet with that WAHlinese-speaking joker. So, you get things together somehow and you're doing this thing really well by now. Instead of being shredded into pieces on the inside, now motherhood f*cking splits your heart! It's time for you to go back to work but you don't want to leave home because there's WAHlinese there. You think he's going to absolutely die without you; and you will absolutely die without him. EIGHT WHOLE HOURS without speaking WAHlinese??? Not possible. But you have to because you can't stand being there speaking WAHlinese the whole day. Then you go a little nuts - you can't go but you can't stay. If you go, you'll go crazy. If you stay, you'll go crazy. Then before you know it, you're crazy. Crazy, that's sometimes how I think of myself but here's something to be said about motherhood and it's sucks the LIFE out of you but whatever motherhood takes from you, it's paid forward for times when WAHlinese can finally talk and tell you it loves you. Whatever it took from you, in its place are precious memories and moments that you live to defend fiercely. You cry now and get paid double in love, concern, companionship, understanding, and a rewarding friendship. Oh, I know, it's not as if WAHlinese and you never fight. YOU FIGHT! But the gifts of motherhood is yours and yours alone and no one can ever take it away from you. You'll probably never stop feeling anxious for the rest of your life again. You worry and worry and worry and worry. They could be fifty-seven and you f*cking worry if they're having a balanced diet, I'm telling you! If you raise the WAHlinese right, when you watch them grow, become a human being in their own right....that's the reward. Your heart swell when it fills with pride. Even if they're not making millions a year, that's OK. Money is not the only yardstick - to me, it's not even a yardstick. As long as he/she lives a long, happy, healthy life doing the right things that makes him/her happy, that's the reward. To me, that's the reward. And you learn how to have sex with the stupid anaconda again.


Kok Yee said…
WAH! Anaconda!
WAAAHH... Scary stuff. I guess what goes in, then what comes out should be equivalent, yes?

Next time you see those slinky wildlife, no need to chop it. All life's precious hor..
Just make sure you bag it so no harm comes out of it.
Another Mom said…
To me, motherhood is best described with one word - overwhelming.

Popular posts from this blog

Maid Side-Kick

I was kind of a little sad when I read the news about this - there will be no live-in Indonesian maids in Malaysia anymore.

There are pros and cons to having a live-in maid, as with everything else, but for us, we enjoyed more pros than cons. Back then, when my kids were little, we brought in a family of maids to help with...well, just about everything, and we were like two families merged into one. They ate what we ate, we sleep, they sleep, we shop, they shop, they joke, we laugh, we joke, they laugh...for me, the maid I hired was more like a sister and side-kick to me.

For that few years, I was dependent on her to mind-read my schedule and when I need or don't need help. She picked things up quickly and we ended up having lots of moments whereby we were in sync. Today, two of them are on my Facebook and we were gleefully chatting over Facebook Messenger since they've just discovered the wonders of the Internet and Social Media.

Since we were more like partners in crime, I f…

Grilled Salmon With Unagi Sauce

I always disagree with people who say that they are lazy to cook, it's too hard, no time, too difficult, easier to eat out....etc. I can't agree because I have found multiple ways to cook simple, cheap meals without causing too much of a ruckus to my schedule. All it takes is a little bit of planning ahead and research. And a sense of humor when it turns put it

Anyway, here's one simple one that ANYONE (kids included) can cook up. Seriously simple and easy.

I love salmon but my kids don't like the smell and texture. But that doesn't mean that I can't go out to the market and spend RM11 on ONE single piece of salmon fish and make MYSELF one, right? Kids can have the overnight pizza. :-)
This is fresh from the oh man! I LOVE IT!!
Wash it properly, de-bone the thing if you want to but I just left everything the way it is and just covered the fish with some of the following:-

Yup, salt, pepper and McCormick's season-all powder…

Stargazer - Stretch Those Sides

I have been doing this pose, part of Cosmic Dance (a type of yoga, I am assuming), called Stargazer pose without knowing it is called Stargazer's pose a lot in the past. You see, sometimes, I don't follow the rules and come up with my own stretches and poses. It is fun.

I have on some music, nice, soothing music or just anything I can click on. Then I go with the flow, letting my hair down. Just moving to the music...and that is when I come up with the above Stargazer's pose.

This pose really stretches your sides. Keep your eyes on the outstretched hand if you are keeping it pointed to the top, as if you are waving or connecting to a higher energy from the Universe. Your arms will ache a little but hey, toned arms, here you come! :-)

For those who want a bigger stretch, it is safe to slowly and gently move the lifted hand towards your back...don't overdo it, listen to your body's complaints and respect it. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, remember th…