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The end of pain for one, the beginning of a painful journey for others

Alvin Goh is a school friend whom I knew from school days when I was dating his good friend. After breaking up, we have no contact but recently, I discovered that he was living opposite my condo. I often make trips to his condo because the facilities are there...the grocery store, the music school we attend and the the pubs and restaurants are also there. We've seen each other sometimes when I was there. Sometimes joked, in passing, that we would invite each other out for drinks at the condo's pub. Never happened. Will never happen now. He's a pilot flying cargo planes with MAS and is known as a responsible, filial, jovial, logical, sensible son and friend. Being pilot, he made a final 'flight' down from the window of his computer room to the pavement down below on the 7th Sept 2007. My heart is in a million pieces right now as flashbacks go through my head endlessly. I cannot imagine what others closer to him is feeling. My ex is beyond sad....emotionally blaming himself for not seeing more, for not appreciating Alvin enough to see through him. His family...his brother...his girlfriend....I cannot imagine the grief they're feeling right now. The blinding pain must be crippling....I can only imagine as I try to sort out the images that goes through my head right now. New Straits Times Online news here. The Star Online News here. *** Dear Friend, I know we've not been close....even not been in contact for a long time already. You're my ex-boyfriend's GOOD GOOD friend and when we used to all go out together, you strike me as someone jovial and optimistic about life. Someone who would roll with the punches. You were almost always smiling and irregardless of situation, I've never seen you pissed mad or really depressed. You have everything going for you....or so it seems from the outside. a Successful pilot with a good and stable relationship with your girlfriend. Although your family members are far from you in Alor Setar, from what I can see on the outside, everything's blooming good. And that is why it was such a shocker to me when I got a call this morning from my sister asking me to check out the identity of a man who was found dead at the condo opposite mine. I was innocent enough to ask about your condition. A chinese pilot was found dead at the bottom of his high rise condo. Sister: He jumped out of the condo Me: Huh? And then? How's he? Sister: dead lah! I cannot believe you can do such a thing. Although you're a pilot, you're kinda afraid of heights. How could you have had the courage and strength to jump? I called my good friend (my ex) to confirm DOUBLE-CONFIRM everything. Your good friend was at your condo. Heart-broken. Disbelieving. Angry at you. He's pissed off and cannot understand what drove you off the edge. Going through your things and asking himself 'why?' Ya lah....why? WHY? So now that you're reading this from another world, was it worth it? Isn't there another way out of whatever was troubling you? Would you change anything if you were given a second chance? Was it depression, friend? But all of us go through depression sometimes and some of us even entertained thoughts of dying (read earlier post: I was just ironically talking about jumping off KL Twin Towers) but we always try to find the strength to pull ourselves back together and resume living. How come? What were you thinking, my friend. What? Why? Was it worth it? Did you feel pain? No? A little? Well, you know what? Your good friends and your family are feeling LOTS OF UNBEARABLE PAIN now because of what you did. Do you think, now, that your act was selfish? To leave the people who love you behind like that? With so many questions going through their minds? Wondering if they should have intervened. Wondering if they should have spotted signs? Hating themselves for hating you. Hating themselves for not seeing through your facade to stop you from doing what you did? Replaying back meetings, dinners, conversations and dates to find clues as to what went on. Imagine, your parents raised you carefully and invested not only time and money but a lot of love. Imagine your mother collecting your emptied-out body from the morgue (it makes me shiver thinking you're in the morgue there....pun intended). Imagine your parents stroking their baby's dead face, wishing they knew what went on in your head when it was still in tact. Imagine the look of total devastation on your brother's face. Can you see your friends huddled together with red, swollen eyes? Can you see the look of helplessness in your girlfriend? Can you sense their grief? My friend, no matter what....I hope you have a good life now. Because your family and good friends are going to take a lot of time trying to get theirs back on track. The pain is over for you....I know. That's good. But the pain has just begun for those around you. *** This is the third friend of mine who chose this method of disposing their own lives. All males hitting 30's. Depression is such a dangerous thing! Because men tend to bottle up their feelings of sadness, maybe that's why when they are depressed, they suffer it seriously. Women are different in that they tend to complain, whine and chat with others...bitching about it. So, please, all you people out there....if you think you're suffering from depression and don't want to take medication or whatever, just start talking about your problems with your friends. Open up and you will soon find release. The feeling of stress can also push people off the edge, so, please please please PLEASE, if you love your family and friends, do something about it. I was over at the condo just now and there were a lot swollen eyes but the worst were those of his parents, his brother and several close friends. I can only hope that their long journey to recovery is as short as they can possibly make it. Otherwise, rest in peace, my friend.


Judy said…
Marsha, I am sorry to hear about this. My thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends.
Marsha M said…
Finally came out in the star today.
Anonymous said…
sometimes, I think men are more prone to suffer from depression. dont take it too hard, ok?
Jamie said…
my condolences dear cuz....


I cannot help but to disagree that men are more prone to suffer from comments ends here because this post is not that appropriate to debate on such trivial matter.

Rest In Peace and May The God Lord Look After Your Blessed Soul.
Marsha M said…
jamie, maybe you're right. maybe it's coincidence. maybe it's just a freaking joke that all of them to took the leap were men in 30's under lots of stress. but the coincidence is uncanny. that's all.

right now, i am still trying to get over the fact that my main living room window overlooks his condo block. i like to keep the curtains open but right now, I keep them closed. and I will explain why in the next blog post.

this is going to be a long journey for me as well.

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