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Sorry is not the hardest word

I remember very clearly, the day my first maid left after a 4 year hiatus with me and my in-laws. For days preceding her departure, I felt a kind of sickness in my stomach when I see her. Not the kind of sickness out of hatred. But more like a kind of doom. The feeling of anticipating something bad to happen. Like sitting there in a dark, damp, cold cell waiting on death row. Knowing that the time will come and waiting for the hammer to strike you. On the day of her departure, I wasn't myself all morning. Even as we packed and started driving towards KLIA, tears welled up in my eyes. I wanted her to say, "Nyonya, saya tinggal sini lah. Tak mau balik dulu lah". But she didn't - she was more than happy to go home to her family....and who could blame her? But she was leaving ours....I can't quite explain how it felt like to hear her singing Barney songs with my kids in the back seat while I drove, the journey seemed so long. At the departure gate, everyone bade goodbye but when it came to me, I hung onto her like mad and started bawling! Yes, bawled. I bawled when she walked past the gate. I cried some more when Jared asked where Kakak was going. Tears continued to stream even after the plane left, the kids were playing at the makeshift air plane near KFC, on the drive home where the kids slept. I remember the feeling very clearly. Coming back to a home without U-Ul...everything felt so empty. For days on end, I was lost, not knowing what to do with the kids. I had YuYun when Joshua was born and I had U-Ul when Jared was born. Hence, it was a big change for me. However, it wasn't that that bothered me. It was the feeling of emptiness and change that shook me. This afternoon, Kat called me and told me that she was going off. Off to a new country, to a new way of life. Although we have seen each other only once during my birthday, we connected a lot over the Internet and she visited my website a lot. We chatted over phone, email and IM and in a strange way, became close in a very 'internet' kind of way. I suddenly felt the same thing.....wishing her luck and hoping she would say that she have decided not to go after all and plans have changed. Here's hoping that she will have a fabulous life ahead. Of never getting the chance to eat Korean BBQ together like we said we would. Kat, bye bye!!! *sob sob*. Keep in touch ya? Update your blog ya? Instant message me, ok? Yes, when it RAINs, please remember me! Hence, to me 'sorry' isn't the hardest word to say. To me, sorry is very easy to say. Instead goodbye is the hardest word for me to utter.

Comments

Jamie said…
cuz, I don't particularly like to say "goodbye" as well. Have no problem with "sorry"...its just a word that has to be said to make things right ( doesn't bloody matter if u r in the right OR wrong ).

I definitely don't like any sort of goodbyes...never have, never will.
Anonymous said…
I'm anticipating Oct 2008 when my maid leaves for indonesia. She's the PERFECT maid.

Her cooking's top notch. Curry, rendang, soups,her killer fried chicken, porridge etc.. Anything she cooks is sure nice. She cleans my house like it's the last day she's living on earth. Washes my car..vacuums both my cars' interiors...never talks back.

I only need to instruct her ONCE for any new task..and she'll remember it. No need to keep reminding her like my 3 other earlier stupid maids who just dont understand simple instructions!

The amazin thing is...She looks like a beauty pagent contestant. Yes, she's that pretty.Seriously.

Unlike your common indonesian maids...she looks like those Bollywood actresses...but not as fair lah. hehehe...

My son likes her a lot. My wife too.

yes..the day she leaves..will be the day of utmost sorrow for my whole family.
Judy said…
Aawww Marsha, it's not often I come here and be in tears. I normally get a good kick from laughing at your site.

I can feel that you are really sad. The description of your sadness when you maid left, made me cry.

Look, Kat is only an MSN away. I am sure you will be visiting Malaysia more than you can imagine.

Yes, goodbye is the hardest word.
Marsha M said…
jamie what about saying goodbye to enemies or people you hate? :-)

Anon, sounds like you have yourself a dream MAID! Good for you, if can, keep her. Wow, and she looks like super model somemore? wow!

Judy, yeah...I was almost inconsolable. She was more than a maid to me, like a friend. sometimes we are together during the weekend with nothing to do and we're both just playing with the kids....like sisters lor. :-(
Jamie said…
cuz, enemies? me have enemies....naaaaaa.

IF I had enemies...I wouldn't be talking to them OR if the need to say goodbye comes, it will be at their funeral...

Enemies me? naaaaaaa..come onnn...

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