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Sorry is not the hardest word

I remember very clearly, the day my first maid left after a 4 year hiatus with me and my in-laws. For days preceding her departure, I felt a kind of sickness in my stomach when I see her. Not the kind of sickness out of hatred. But more like a kind of doom. The feeling of anticipating something bad to happen. Like sitting there in a dark, damp, cold cell waiting on death row. Knowing that the time will come and waiting for the hammer to strike you. On the day of her departure, I wasn't myself all morning. Even as we packed and started driving towards KLIA, tears welled up in my eyes. I wanted her to say, "Nyonya, saya tinggal sini lah. Tak mau balik dulu lah". But she didn't - she was more than happy to go home to her family....and who could blame her? But she was leaving ours....I can't quite explain how it felt like to hear her singing Barney songs with my kids in the back seat while I drove, the journey seemed so long. At the departure gate, everyone bade goodbye but when it came to me, I hung onto her like mad and started bawling! Yes, bawled. I bawled when she walked past the gate. I cried some more when Jared asked where Kakak was going. Tears continued to stream even after the plane left, the kids were playing at the makeshift air plane near KFC, on the drive home where the kids slept. I remember the feeling very clearly. Coming back to a home without U-Ul...everything felt so empty. For days on end, I was lost, not knowing what to do with the kids. I had YuYun when Joshua was born and I had U-Ul when Jared was born. Hence, it was a big change for me. However, it wasn't that that bothered me. It was the feeling of emptiness and change that shook me. This afternoon, Kat called me and told me that she was going off. Off to a new country, to a new way of life. Although we have seen each other only once during my birthday, we connected a lot over the Internet and she visited my website a lot. We chatted over phone, email and IM and in a strange way, became close in a very 'internet' kind of way. I suddenly felt the same thing.....wishing her luck and hoping she would say that she have decided not to go after all and plans have changed. Here's hoping that she will have a fabulous life ahead. Of never getting the chance to eat Korean BBQ together like we said we would. Kat, bye bye!!! *sob sob*. Keep in touch ya? Update your blog ya? Instant message me, ok? Yes, when it RAINs, please remember me! Hence, to me 'sorry' isn't the hardest word to say. To me, sorry is very easy to say. Instead goodbye is the hardest word for me to utter.

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