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Monday Ha-Ha: Marriage

I've read this one before but my Aunt Angie sent me this via email today. I read it again and laughed till I was shaking. Hope it gives you the same kind of feel-good.

Marriage(Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and

after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time 

I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. 
 I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless 
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. 
I'll  go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing 
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you 
give me a hard time about it. 
Those are my rules.  Any comments?" 
  His new bride said: 
"No, that's fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex 
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not." 

    ************ ********* ********* ********* *********

 Marriage (Part II)
    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! 

    The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone 

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!" 
   "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone 

that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!" 

************ ********* ** ************ ******
Marriage (Part III) 
    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. 

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no 
good in bed either," and storms out of the house. 
 After some time he realizes he was nasty and 

decides to make amends and rings her up.   She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" 

    She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" 
 "Getting a second opinion!" 
  ************ ********* ********* ********* **
 Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  
 He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his 
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. 
    One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" 
  His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, 
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four." 
    ************ ********* ********* ********* **

  A man and his wife were having some problems at home 
and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife 
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece 
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."  He left it where he knew she would find it. 
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it 
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. 
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he 
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up." 
   Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 
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