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I Am Living

I want to make a confession….there’s a very good reason behind the reason why I shy away from people who are demanding of me. Sure, I demand a lot out of myself as it is and you be dang sure I ain’t gonna be kind to myself. When I beat myself up, I beat myself to the pulp. There was once upon a time when I was earning really good money…let’s just say it was (in Ringgit lah, ok?) five figure income. But I had to give it all up because of one thing and one thing only….I don’t need it. The more I had, I realize, the more unhappy I became. Instead of making me happy, it was making me feel anxious and I felt overloaded with work and people started demanding a lot out of a wee little si-lai like me who is already shouldering the responsibility of taking care of the home and kids, now the business as well. Apart from that, all that money was fast-forwarding my life. I never know where all that time went. I rushed from one thing to another…one after another…then another, then another and before you know it….I was completely exhausted. It was also incredibly difficult that the people around me demanded me to be perfect as well...so was I….so, when you add all the ‘demands’ encircling me, I felt trapped. Every day became a blur. It’s the way I see it now because there was a time when I relished living a fast-paced life. It excited me and made me feel really WOO-HOO! Me…lil’ ole me…working from home…earning five figure (I know it’s not millions lah, hey….but it’s a lot of money compared to what I got when I first started out, you know) and I was shooting for the six-figure income! Let’s put it down straight…I used to earn USD1 per article…yeah, pathetic. NOW, you know what pathetic is. Anyway, the point now is that I want to live one day at a time now. Hence, no more rushing around like an insane person liao. I had to let the project(s) go because I was going bananas and I was extremely unhappy even with all the new toys and gadgets that I could afford then. Funny, isn’t it? In consciously slowing things down, I can slowly enjoy whatever that I have worked for and deservedly bought for myself and my kids. I am no longer just alive. I am living.
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