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I Am Living

I want to make a confession….there’s a very good reason behind the reason why I shy away from people who are demanding of me. Sure, I demand a lot out of myself as it is and you be dang sure I ain’t gonna be kind to myself. When I beat myself up, I beat myself to the pulp. There was once upon a time when I was earning really good money…let’s just say it was (in Ringgit lah, ok?) five figure income. But I had to give it all up because of one thing and one thing only….I don’t need it. The more I had, I realize, the more unhappy I became. Instead of making me happy, it was making me feel anxious and I felt overloaded with work and people started demanding a lot out of a wee little si-lai like me who is already shouldering the responsibility of taking care of the home and kids, now the business as well. Apart from that, all that money was fast-forwarding my life. I never know where all that time went. I rushed from one thing to another…one after another…then another, then another and before you know it….I was completely exhausted. It was also incredibly difficult that the people around me demanded me to be perfect as well...so was I….so, when you add all the ‘demands’ encircling me, I felt trapped. Every day became a blur. It’s the way I see it now because there was a time when I relished living a fast-paced life. It excited me and made me feel really WOO-HOO! Me…lil’ ole me…working from home…earning five figure (I know it’s not millions lah, hey….but it’s a lot of money compared to what I got when I first started out, you know) and I was shooting for the six-figure income! Let’s put it down straight…I used to earn USD1 per article…yeah, pathetic. NOW, you know what pathetic is. Anyway, the point now is that I want to live one day at a time now. Hence, no more rushing around like an insane person liao. I had to let the project(s) go because I was going bananas and I was extremely unhappy even with all the new toys and gadgets that I could afford then. Funny, isn’t it? In consciously slowing things down, I can slowly enjoy whatever that I have worked for and deservedly bought for myself and my kids. I am no longer just alive. I am living.

Comments

Anonymous said…
sounds like my life when I was living and working in HK. ppl there work like robots...they don't stop at all. ha ha ha ha...well, back in malaysia now and enjoying the 'slightly slower' pace here altho i still think the nasi kandar boss should try to be a little faster

-anne-
Anonymous said…
Marsha, all I can say is... 'Ditto'! Used to work 7 days, 18 hours or more each day. Stress got the best of me and I think that's one of the causes that landed me in the hospital. :P Now, I'm living :)

I think there's still a lot of value obtained from the tough work hours. A lot of humility and respect for the value of life.
Anonymous said…
If you assume a human's average life span of 60-70 years...we are all not far from hitting 60.

To work your butt off and get no chance to enjoy the fruits of your hard labour is horrible.

I do NOT wanna earn millions at the expense of working the rest of my life for something I dont enjoy doing.That defeats the purpose!

You are only alive for these short moments on earth b4 you die.I've senen many frens sacrifice their quality time with their kids for 'more money'.

Kids dont need really your money, but they need YOU! The time you spend time talking, nurturing and teaching them etc...these are values that money cant buy.

Marsha....have you ever heard me complaining and whining about my life? I mean, EVER??

Sure...I can earn 5 figure a month by teaching advanced and high grade piano students...but to do that will mean I'll sacrifice a lot of time for what? MOney??
No no...no thanks!

Let me be...earning a humble few thousand Ringgit a month BUT I get:

1) to enjoy cooking daily. I love trying out new dishes.
2) to spend quality time with my son
3) to have time to write new songs and be creative
4) to do more recordings at home
5) to have the luxury of avoiding jams at rush hours
6) to do Yoga without rush
7) enjoy life without stress
8) to play my newfound love daily which is Erhu. It is very therapeutic when I play it.
9) to be there for my family more often than other men


Killer Guy
Krista Goon said…
Hi woman: I am happy for you that you are living. People who say they don't have time for living are just cheating themselves of joy, happiness and contentment. I believe that when we open ourselves to slowing down (it's called creative slowness - read it in a book) we get to really see each moment as it happens instead of 24 hours zooming by.
Marsha Maung said…
anne, yup, precisely!!! HK people or NY people (i am sure they're not the only ones) are so stressed out. i much prefer the much slower pace of life, frankly speaking.

janice, ended up in the hospital??? for what? yeah, I earned myself a nice little title as a 'hypertension' patient too...believe it or not.

killer guy, i know where you're coming from and I agree!

maya, LOVE IT! creative slowness! love it!

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